10 lessons about life & death

Find Your Superpower newsletter 077

Read time: 5 minutes

Topics covered: Inspiration, mindset, personal growth

It’s been three weeks since I wrote my last weekly Find Your Superpower newsletter.

These three weeks have been some of the toughest weeks of my life.

And these three weeks have taught me more than in three months... or three years... and, as time will tell, three decades.

Three weeks ago, my favorite dad passed away.

Since then, my family and I have been on a whirlwind of activity, ranging from funeral planning to responding to condolence messages.

Even today, we are still working through estate matters that will take months to complete.

I’ve just had to cancel a much-anticipated, fully sponsored trip to a STEM conference in Berlin to stay closer to family.

It’s gonna take me much more than a blog post to process what I’ve learnt in the past few weeks, but I wanted to give you some of the highlights (or lowlights, depending if you see the world as a glass half-full or half-empty):

1. A funeral wake is group therapy. Human beings are social creatures, and without a funeral wake we grieve alone and do not get enough support to process our loss and sadness. As a group, we share our grief and grieve collectively.

2. Let me tell you what is really scary. It is extremely unnerving to be in your 70s and to attend the wake of a primary-school classmate. I don’t think anything comes close.

3. Adult men (and women) need close friendships. According to a US study, men are the lonelier gender. Thirty years ago, a majority of men (55%) reported having at least six close friends. Today, that number has been cut in half. 15% of men report having no close friendships at all, a fivefold increase since 1990. Speaking with some of my dad’s closest friends of more than 60 years (!), I now understand my dad’s superpower: the reason why he was such a smiley and cheerful guy despite all of life’s challenges was because he had a tight-knit group of close friends.

4. A hearse driver can be wiser than the world’s top gurus. Including Adam Grant and Simon Sinek. No really, I’m serious. Read it for yourself and decide.

5. Everyone grieves differently, and there is no correct way to grieve. I received 100s of kind condolence messages, but one person actually told me I was grieving incorrectly based on their own experience, and told me how I should be grieving instead. I thought that everyone should read this useful primer from The New York Times, titled: What to Say (and What Not to Say) to Someone Who’s Grieving if you want to support a grieving relative or friend.

6. I am eternally grateful to these human beings. Three new friends whom I had just met two days earlier came to my dad’s funeral wake (thank you from the bottom of my heart!). Friends that I had not seen in years popped by to the wake unannounced. One flew back to Singapore early to attend the last day of the wake. Others sent flowers. None of them had ever once met my dad. Thank you everyone. 

7. An epiphany about funerals: they are for the living. In the past, I would only attend a wake if I knew the deceased person or if they were the partner/spouse of a friend or relative. After this episode, I plan on attending the funeral wakes of my friends’ loved ones, regardless of whether I know the deceased or not. A funeral wake is for the living.

8. An epiphany about social media likes and followers. I’m sorry if you find this morbid, but I think to myself: how many of my social media followers will attend my funeral wake? Please play along with me for a bit. I think this is a good moment for us to stop and reflect on what is real and what isn’t. Will your thousands of followers attend your wake? If they are with you when you are on top of the world, will they stick around when you are crashing and falling? Will they support you by buying your products and services? If the answer is “probably not, unlikely,” then it is time to re-evaluate what really matters, who really matters.

9. The only guarantee in life is to be born and to die. One of my wake visitors said, “Juliana, there is a saying called 生老病死 (shēng lǎo bìng sǐ), which means to be born, to grow old, to get sick, and to die. But only the first and the last are guaranteed.” He is right. I no longer believe that my loved ones and I are entitled to a long life. There’s simply no guarantee we will grow old and stay healthy for a long time. I will now live every day as if it is a gift, not a guarantee.

10. I want to make 2025 my best year yet. The best way for me and my family to honor my dad is to live well. I have renewed energy and faith to make 2025 my best year and I have already written out my vision board for 2025. In 2025, I am launching a VIP mastermind to help me and my community reach our goals.

PS: This newsletter is dedicated to my dad, who is rocking somewhere with Elvis “the King” Presley.

To my dad:

When no-one else can understand me
When everything I do is wrong
You give me hope and consolation
You give me strength to carry on

And you're always there to lend a hand
In everything I do
That's the wonder
The wonder of you

Thanks for reading issue 077 of my weekly Find Your Superpower newsletter.

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