The bully, victim and rescuer drama triangle

Find Your Superpower newsletter 009

Read time: 4 minutes

Topics covered: Self-empowerment, mindset shift, organizational psychology, interpersonal conflicts

I am guilty as charged.

When I was a young executive, I regularly threw myself parties—pity parties, that is. I would complain to my work BFFs about situations that made me feel powerless and stuck. As they say, misery loves company; it wasn’t difficult to get others to RSVP.

When I was promoted to supervisor, I would sometimes wonder, “Must I do everything by myself around here?” I helicopter-managed and meddled in on-going projects, believing that I had to be over-responsible to succeed.

As a new CEO and founder with a lot to prove, I was quick to zoom in on mistakes and flaws, instead of trying to discover my colleagues’ strengths elsewhere and celebrating their past wins.  

All of the above was negative and disempowering, and I would feel frustrated a lot of the time. Worse still, I didn’t have the correct vocabulary to describe how I felt.

Thanks to episode 3 of my The Science of Work podcast with my guest, leadership and work culture expert Crystal Lim-Lange, I finally have the appropriate language to verbalize my experiences. But more importantly, I also have the tools to break out of these disempowering mindsets.

The Karpman drama triangle

I would like to introduce you to the Karpman drama triangle, a simple and elegant social model of human interaction developed by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman in the 1960s to describe the three types of destructive interactions seen during interpersonal conflicts at home and in the workplace.

The Bully/Persecutor: The bully is someone who is highly critical and quick to find fault with their colleagues, all while also exerting dominance and control over the situation.

The Victim: The victim sees themselves as fundamentally powerless and hopeless. They are likely to complain about their situation and adopt a ‘poor me’ mindset. They may see themselves as being bullied, and seek help from the rescuer.

The Rescuer: The rescuer over-functions and enables the victim by stepping in to ‘save’ the victim regularly. They appear self-sacrificing and over-responsible, but they do not resolve the problem in the long term.

“The interesting thing about the Karpman drama triangle is, once there is one point of the triangle, such as the victim, the victim then tries to hook someone in to be the rescuer, and makes out another person to be the bully,” Crystal explains.

Can we break free from all this drama?

In the podcast episode, we explore how taking on any of these mindsets can lead to a cycle of drama, interpersonal conflict and disempowerment. That said, with sufficient self-awareness and by being able to recognize patterns in our behavior, we can also make a shift to the Empowerment Triangle:

From Bully to Challenger: Instead of casting blame or judgement, the challenger provides objective feedback and acts as an accountability partner by holding the other person accountable for their actions.

From Victim to Creator: Instead of viewing themselves as helpless or stuck, the creator reclaims their power by voicing their needs, makes choices, and takes responsibility for their contributions to an outcome.

From Rescuer to Coach: Instead of swooping in to resolve a challenging situation for someone else, the coach supports and equips them with skills and tools, and asks clarifying questions that facilitate learning and growth.

I encourage all of you to watch the podcast; I assure you it will be a well-invested 47 minutes that will help you improve your relationships with colleagues and bosses... and even with those at home.

Thanks for reading issue 009 of my weekly Find Your Superpower newsletter.

See you next week.

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